Sometimes in life I feel like those semi-floating pieces of fruit in half-set jello. When Chris is deployed, I just try to survive. It's about keeping my head above water, keeping my spirits up and "making it" to his homecoming. We have a motto, Chris and I, that we live by, "Stay safe and stay sane." We do what we need to do to keep our sanity, watch movies, drink red-bull, order pizza, etc. Safety is the other concern, if the kids aren't hurting themselves or eachother, it's probably okay that they decided to unroll a brand new thing of foil that is now decorating the house like metallic patches of snow. I know this isn't the way to live though, just "surviving". I try to enjoy it all, all of the time, but sometimes it feels impossible to be "joyful". It's a tough job, being a mom, and temporarily without my "help-mate" here to support me. Having a special needs child isn't an easy task either. I love how close (in age and in kinship) that my 2 little ones are, only 16 months apart, and neck to neck in development. However, this creates a challenge in my potty training efforts, my ablilty to keep the house tidy, and maintaining the so called sanity that I seek. Jais's sensory processing disorder, mixed with his placement on the spectrum, as well as his suspected ADHD is a daily adventure of frustrations and delights. Sometimes Jais can be found quietly playing with a car, alone, humming a song (rather accurately- music is one of his obsessions that he excels at), and other times he can be found standing on a chair banging on the window glass, pretending to be a sponge bob character, then proceeding to jump off the chair and literally run into the hallway only to bang into the wall on purpose. Lately he's been throwing things, anything, he just throws stuff in the air and watches it fall. Stuff has been broken, stuff has hit me in the head, stuff has fallen on his sister. I don't know how to get him to stop, I've tried all the discipline tricks in my book (time-out, re-direction, naughty chair, replacing items with proper to throw items...I do not believe in spanking him though).. and he just laughs at me, and continues to his behavior.
then there's moments like this morning when the world seems to freeze, and like magic, everything is clear. I walked Jais to the bus and secured his seat belt, and just like I always do, I stood and waved at him, blowing him kisses. And there in the window was his little face with the most beautiful, most sincere smile upon it, as he waved to me. I was filled with hope, pride, and joy. Memories of this little 5lb. 11oz. newborn in my arms, looking up at me, flooded my heart. He will be 5 years old in less than 2 months, he grows like a green bean, already reaching my chest with the top of his head, and how far he's come in our battle with autism! I had a moment like this with my daughter the other day, after she fell down in the dirt. I waited quietly to see if she was going to be okay, and she turned to look at me, a frown slowly forming on her face and tears coming to her eyes, I scooped her up and she melted into my arms, eyes closed, sobbing quietly. And my cup overfloweth as I comforted her until her "boo boo" was better. And like bitter-sweet does, it creeped into my mind, to remind me how fast time was passing, and how much my little girl was growing. From the sucklling newborn she once was to this big girl giving into her need for mommy's comfort until all too soon she was better and off to join her brother in their daily attempt to climb all the way up the slide from the bottom. It's special moments like these ones that recharge my sanity, bring me back to LIVING vs. surviving.
But, when those moments can't be found anywhere and I feel defeated, when I'm behind on homework and housework, my nicely folded laundry has been taken from it's basket and tossed around the living room, my freshly made crystal light has been dumped down the sink, my freshly mopped floor has been trampled on with muddy footprints, and the dog decided to eat another one of my prismacolor pencils... I take the advice of the Dixie Chicks...
"somedays you gotta dance, live it up when you get the chance... when the world doesn't make no sense, and you're feeling just a little too tense...gotta loosen up those chains and dance.."
So I've revised my motto:
"Stay safe, Stay sane, stay silly and DANCE your f-ing heart out!"
"Dancing on the Edge of Insanity" PlayList (just a few of my faves):
Queen (or soundtrack from Ella Enchanted) "Somebody to Love"
Journey or Cast of Glee "Don't Stop Believing"
Rupert Holmes "Escape: Pina Colada Song"
Pete Townsend "Let My Love Open the Door"
Marie Antoinette soundtrack "I Want Candy"
Bob Marley - Don't Worry, Be Happy
Miley Cyrus "Party in the USA"
Queen "We Will Rock You"
Akon and Eminem "Smack That"
Van Morrison "Brown Eyed Girl"
T.I. "Whatever you like"
Tim McGraw "Where the Green Grass Grows"
Dixie Chicks "Wide Open Spaces"
If you have any songs you think might help me dance away the insanity, please comment here or send me a message, I'm always looking for new ways to avoid being sent away to the nuthouse :P
Recent Comments